Light the Match
by TCBN
Summary: (100% STRAIGHT PAIRINGS) Kyle the heroic, Stan the 'hot, Kenny the perverted, Wendy the boy crazy and Alex the new kid's adventures in South Park High! drugs, alcohol, kidnappings, house fires, kissing, laughter, jokes, sleepovers, hallucination, prom, shootouts and parties
1. Chapter 1

Kenny stared at Kyle who was eating his fish and cream cheese bagel. They sat in the school cafeteria.

"Dude, weird question" Kenny asked

"Yeah?" Kyle answered, mouth full of cheesy salmon

"You know how you said that those that follow Judaism can't eat meat or dairy together?" Kenny looked at Kyle's bagel

"Yeah?" Kyle looked at his bagel, not sure what Kenny was on about

"You're eating fish and cheese" Kenny silently prayed that Kyle would realize his mistake and dump the bagel to him in horror. Instead, Kenny's stomach rumbled.

"We can eat fish" Kyle shrugged, "Look, religion's confusing enough"

"But-" Kenny started, "You're disobeying your religion!"

"You just want my bagel" Kyle rolled his eyes

"Dammit!" Kenny muttered, taking out crackers from his bag, "I'm starving"

"Oh my god this reminds me of plane food" a girl gagged as she sat with them, dumping the tray on the table

"Can I eat that?" Kenny asked, looking into her dark green eyes, making the girl frown back in confusion.

"Uhh" she looked at the blonde with a look in his eyes that irked her out, "Y-yeah, I thought I was at another table"

She scurried off, planting herself at Wendy, Bebe and Red's table. Red whispered something and Wendy rolled her eyes, shrugging.

"Who was she?" Kenny asked his friend

"You weren't listening in class this morning" Kyle finished his bagel, "That's the new kid"

"Oh" Kenny turned to look at the girl with a black jumper and long curling red hair, occasionally running a hand along it as she laughed with her friends at the table.

"So…. You now know her for 2.5 seconds and you're already staring" Kyle cocked an eyebrow

"I- Uhh-" Kenny snatched a fork and mounded a mouthful, "You finish that maths homework yet?"

"Yeah, you're not copying off me" Kyle shook his head

Stan arrived to join them as the bell rang

"I'm back, I just had to get something from my locker" Stan muttered

**A/N: Hello! please suggest plot turns or any other suggestions you would like to see in the story and i can try and make it work :)**


	2. Chapter 2

Everyone was in the classroom, waiting for the teacher to arrive.

"So" Wendy stared at the girl, hungrily watching her for gossip

"What?" she stared back

"Alex, you must have something interesting to tell us from your last school" Wendy scoffed

"I don't" Alex shrugged, "other than climbing a tree and falling out of it"

"That's not even gossip worthy!" Wendy whined

"Exactly" Alex smiled, "My life is as vanilla as the next state"

"Oh" Wendy chuckled knowingly, "After a while of staying here, you won't be saying vanilla"

"What? So rum n' raisin?" Alex asked, "hardcore lifestyle?"

"No" Wendy shook her head, "This town has a knack for adventures"

"OOoo interesting" Alex deadpanned

"So, about the dudes" Wendy began, ignoring Alex's exasperated sigh

"Avoid these guys" Wendy counted off on her fingers a list of pointless names

"Look" Alex sighed, "How about we try and initiate our friendshop instead of trying to get me to breed?"

"She treats everyone like that" Bebe piped up from Alex's right

"Oh" Alex shrugged, "I take it you're a little boy crazy"

"On Nuh UH!" Wendy wagged her finger, "If you're callin' me boy crazy, there's a guy in our year who tried to have sex with a Bunsen burner"

"EEeee that's gotta hurt" Alex crossed her legs

"Desperate times call for desperate measures" Bebe shrugged, "According to that freak"

"He'd fuck anything from a fruit loop to his dad's car petrol tank" Wendy went on

"Okay, Wendy" Bebe was red in the face, "You are one sick shit"

"Shhhhh" Alex snapped, "You're really disgusting"

"EVERYONE!" the teacher at the front of the classroom bellowed, "shut up and sit down!"

"We're sitting" someone said

"Oh, okay- what we will be doing is a little experiment" the teacher went on

"What's that?" Kenny shouted loudly, "Sniffing cat piss or flowers!?"

"Wha-" Alex looked dumbfounded

"You can get high off cat pee and flowers" Wendy explained in a whisper

"No" the teacher glared, "How you treat people in a different social standing…."

Alex's mind went into full blown sleep-with-eyes-open mode when the bell caused her to launch off her seat, onto the floor in fright.

"Uuuh" Wendy looked at her friend with confusion, "see you tomorrow. Amd don't touch the quarterback" she sang, as if telling Alex to simply _sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite!_

"Uh" Alex stood up, "I gather the quarterback's in a very popular person?"

"AVOID" Wendy glared, "My boyfriend. WHO is popular"

"I will" Alex smiled, "I have no idea who the fuck he is, anyway"

000

Alex was ambling down the pavement when she saw a group of people playing soccer near a pond. She figured, she could meet new friends while in this dismal small town, why not give her sports skills a shot. She went over to the group and smiled a cheerful hello.

"Can I join you?" Alex asked

"Sure" the boy in the green hat said

"But then we'd be odd numbers!" the fat kid whined

"You're too fat to run" the green hat kid retorted, "You may as well ref"

"NO FAIR!" fat boy snapped

"Just let her play" a boy in a brown coat said, annoyed, jumpy on his feet

"She's a GIRL!" the fatso exploded, "Girls can't PLAY!"

This caused Alex's feminist side to wish she could walk up to the fat kid and beat the living crap out of him with a baseball bat, while lecturing him about women's suffrage. Instead, she glared and dived for the ball.

"Misogynist!" the green hat boy shouted, running for the ball. The game had apparently resumed.

Alex and Stan had managed to lose against Kyle and Kenny who were puffing a lot harder than they previously were. Angry Cartman gave the ball an angry kick and sent it skittering to the pond, lying there, motionless at the center of the ice.

"I'll get it" Alex's mind, still wanting to prove that the female gender could do anything had suffocated Alex's voice of reason and told her to march to the pond and pluck the ball from the center of the pond. It wasn't that easy, she went on all fours, ignoring their objections and crawled.

_Crunch_

"No!" Alex shrieked, "Oh crap!"

"Don't worry!" Kyle shouted, "I wouldn't w- OH MY FUCKING GOD!"

The ice had started to crack. The boys instinctively advanced to where Alex was, standing on a patch of ice that turned into an ice flow.

"Oh crap" Alex muttered, "I just caused about five medical bills"

The Ice floe started to tip, Alex, being the worst at balancing on boats, fell forwards, into a large crevasse, where water was supposed to be. A bottomless tunnel of blackness was all Alex saw. Someone one was straining to keep a hold of Alex's leg.

"We're going to fall!" Kenny screamed

"Well DUH!" Alex heard someone snap angrily

Suddenly, the person holding Alex up tripped and she started to fall, with four different screaming voices behind her, shrieking in horror and screaming in terror as the five children plummeted into a pit of emptiness.


	3. Chapter 3

"Alex!" Someone shook her

"What the fu…" Alex rolled over, shivering violently, "Jesus, I'm c- cold"

"Did you take a plunge or what?" Bebe's voice, thick as syrup wafted into her ear

"Where—what the hell?" Alex struggled to sit up

"You were lying here for I have no idea how long" Bebe answered

"I fell in the pond…" Alex hugged her knees, "I must've blacked out"

"You what?" Bebe blinked, "I see you playing soccer, Kenny attempts to pull you out, sees me and the entire group just flees"

"Uhhhh" Alex strained to look behind Bebe's shoulder, "I think I know why"

Bebe slowly turned around and screamed, leaping to her feet.

"Barbara Streisand?" Bebe blinked, "Shit, GET UP!"

Bebe yanked Alex along who was shivering as she struggled to run with Bebe who, arms flailing in terror, was screaming blue murder.

"We're going to DIE!" Bebe howled

"Oh god!" a jittery figure dropped their thermos of coffee as they ran past him

"WAIT!" Alex shouted, an idea in her head

"We can't wait!" Bebe shouted

"Robots- can't- go- in- water!" Alex shouted after Bebe as she tried to keep up with Bebe

"AAaaaahhhhh!" Bebe kept screaming, running down the road

"Dammit" Alex stood, shivering as she watched the robotic, singing animalistic monster march itself in her direction.

"Wait, I have an idea!" Kenny appearing from absolutely nowhere gasped

"Wait, you came back for me after leaving me?" Alex stared at Kenny

"Argue later!" Kyle pointed at the creature, "There's a huge robot out there killing people!"

"Well, If we don't make it, tell me now so I can rest in peace" Alex snapped sarcastically

"I felt bad for leaving you so I came back to see if you were alive" Kenny shrugged, backing off from the approaching slow moving robot

"Urine has acidic materials and it's a liquid" Kyle said, "We can destroy the robot"

"I can't entirely aim" Alex deadpanned, "I'm a girl"

"You won't be firing upwards" Kenny cocked an eyebrow

Kenny, acting on experience from kindergarten took out a lighter and started to urinate on the ground, Alex several feet behind for privacy did the same.

"Okay we just have to time the robot's steps and wait for it to step in it" Kenny explained, "then we throw the lighter in the urine"

"Oh I see why Wendy thinks you're f-" Alex was cut off when Streissand stomped on a puddle of pee, blinked and roared as Kenny threw the lighter at the puddle of urine, causing a mighty large fire to engulf the robot. They zipped their pants and started to run.

"Maybe we should've used gasoline!" Alex shouted after Kenny who was running

"Where would I get that?" Kenny shouted a reply

"Yeah, good point. Didn't know piss was flammable"

"Neither!" Kenny answered back

They turned once they reached the end of the road and saw the robot crumple in a hopeless melted heap of metal and fire.

"I didn't think today was going to be interesting" Alex shrugged


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning, the Broflovski brothers were arguing in the living room.

"Don't kick the baby!" Kyle chortled, kicking Ike on the shin. Ike didn't move, only swore, rubbed his shin while glaring at his older brother

"What was that for?" Ike shouted

"Sorry, it's habit" Kyle shrugged, "I used to kick you through a window"

"Are you crazy?" Ike stared, "that's child abuse"

"You didn't ever seem to get hurt" Kyle shrugged

"Well, now I have a bruise on my shin!" Ike snapped

"And I have to fill in a report about the dynamic of friendships and other social behaviors" Kyle explained

"Mr Garrison sucks" Ike sighed, waking with Kyle to the bus stop

"Year four is pretty shit" Kyle agreed, "But he's pretty funny"

Ike shrugged as Kyle turned to see Alex walking to the bus stop.

"I see you're catching the same bus as me" Kyle grinned, "Sorry about yesterday"

"I also would've run screaming if there was an angry monster headed my direction" Alex shrugged

**suggest plot turns or leave me to wrrittte!**


	5. Chapter 5

Kyle woke up in the middle of the night to see a faint orange light outside his window. Thinking that a streetlight was shining into his window, he got up to shut the blinds, only to see a house ablaze. Angry tendrils of flames and smoke chewed and mauled the pink house. A figure in an upstairs window looked like they were struggling to open the window.

_Don't be a hero _his sleepy mind told him, _go back to bed, now_

After a minute, his conscience woke up and started screaming like a drill sergeant _GET HELP! nnnnnNNNNOOOOWWWWW!_

Kyle bolted down the stairs, burst out the front door, Afro standing out even more wildly as Kyle sweated. Kyle could just make out a faint argument inside the house beneath the crackling fire.

"Just because I have a pair of tits doesn't mean I _can't_ save myself!"

"Hello?" Kyle asked, approaching the front door of the house "HELP!IKNOWTHATTHISISREALLYCLICHEBUTICAN'TGETUTOFH ERE!HELPMEEEEE" the female voice shouted, frantic

"Oh shit well that's a bloody cliché!" another, male, voice laughed, "Damsel in distress!"

"YOU misogynist!" the female voice screamed, "This isn't funny! You piece of SHIT!"

Kyle barged through the door only to jump in horror. The stairs were half broken and the flames licked the photographs on the walls, engulfing everything from the couch to the carpets to the lights that flickered like gas lamps.

"Car-" Kyle started to speak as he saw a large figure hurtle a fist at Kyle

"Hello there!" Cartman laughed, dancing about in a boxing stance, "Come at me, bitch!"

Kyle stumbled over and tried to shove Cartman out the way as he made way to the stairs.

"Ey, get back here you fuckin' ginger Jew!" Cartman warbled a list of anti-sematic slurs after Kyle's scurrying figure.

88

"Holy CRAP!" Alex screamed, lifting up a chair and smacking it against the window pane with no avail.

"SOMEONE!" Alex rasped, resigning to lying down on the ground, choking on the thick black smoke, "Good-bye world, it was nice to know you" Alex muttered, flipping off the ceiling as she curled into a fetal position.

88

"You ain't going nowhere, asshole!" Cartman roared, "As we all know, she should be DEAD! Just like YOU!"

"All this time," Kyle sighed, walking up to Cartman, "I should never have-"

Kyle grasped a lamp behind his back and swiped it on Cartman, knocking him to the floor, scrambling like a beached whale. Kyle scrambled for the steps and scalded himself as he hurried himself onto the top landing.

"Alex!" Kyle screamed, looking around

"You aint going nowhere, asswipe!" Cart man flipped Kyle off as he struggled up the stairs immensely scalding himself as well.

"I locked the woman in where she should be" Cartman smiled

"You fucking TOOL!" Kyle roared, launching for each door and checking each room.

88

"ALEX!" someone clasped Alex by the shoulder and shook her, lifting her to a sitting position

"This would do for a Hollywood movie" Alex swayed, as she half smiled, clasping Kyle's arms, "Germaine Greer would be angry, but I'm flattered"

"Whose she?" Kyle cringed, helping her up

"My parents are feminists and feel damsels in distress do not exist" Alex shrugged, leaning on him only to trip over when Cartman whacked Kyle down.

"Come on!" Cartman laughed, "FIGHT ME!"

Cartman sauntered to Kyle's groaning body, clutching his head. Cartman raised the brick in his head, ready to smack his skull open when-

"I have a better idea" A voice spoke

Cartman turned around, to see someone plunge a drill deep into his eye, rotor at top speed and his own screaming at top volume.

"AHHHHA!" Cartman yowled, clutching his eye in agony, rolling on the floor

"Alex, we need to m-" Kyle stood up, after blacking out, only to get yanked out of the room by a spluttering, clumsy red haired girl, sweaty and panicked.

"Go!" Alex coughed, clutching her chest. Kyle wheezed, sucking in air as he navigated his way down.

They collided into each other after jumping the rails of the ablaze stairs and landed on each other after tumbling out the front door, puffing.

"Well" Kyle said blushing and wheezing, after a while of being pinned down by a dead weight of his half conscious friend.

"Thanks…." Alex coughed, rolling off Kyle, curling up into a ball, clearly drifting out of consciousness, "Oh god, this is really embarrassing and terrible"

"It's alright" Kyle murmured, tired, letting the blackness take over his own vision

"Thank god he locked me in a storage room" Alex mumbled


	6. Chapter 6

_Meanwhile, that very same night_

Stan was snoring, loudly, muscular leg dangling out of the bed and hair in disarray. His dog, Sparky, was curled up in a ball at the foot of the bed, fast asleep.

"Stan" a voice whispered, "Stan"

Stan peeled open one eye, looking around. A dark figure stood in the corner of the room, something glinted in his hand.

"Get up, Stan" the figure spoke, raising the thing in his hand, "Now"

Stan slowly got out of bed and felt naked in his James Bond boxers.

"Move" the figure ordered

Stan slowly raised his hands above his head, and walked.

"Do you have any idea how painful it is to get accepted into the team?" the voice snarled, "You're probably the most well loved player on the team and other people want that light, too"

"Dude" Stan walked, "Is this really necessary?"

"Very" the voice said, "No one likes the bench warmer. They never put him on the team, they always order him to sit out each game"

"It's not my decision! It's all the coach's instructions!" Stan started, only to feel the head of a pistol on the back of his head, "get moving"

"Craig" Stan went on, "You're the skinniest boy on the-"

"MOVE IT!" Craig roared, shoving Stan in the small of the back

They kept walking down the pavement, Stan glanced upwards, there was a faint smell of cooking in the air, like burning charcoal and gasoline.

"Craig" Stan tried to face him, only to have Craig shove him along

"I will put our your glory and all the streams of ladies that chase after you" Craig snarled

"No one's chasing after me! I swear- not even the new girl speaks to me" Stan tried

"Well, people talk" Craig pointed at a dumpster behind an abandoned pizza parlor, "And I am tired of everyone treating you like some god. You may not know but everyone talks about how perfect you are, how gorgeous and athletic you are"

"You're being ridiculous!" Stan shouted

"Get in the dumpster" Craig watched as Stan slowly climbed into the dumpster, closing the lid and putting two pad locks onto the latch.

"Lights out, pretty boy" Craig smiled and fled

"CRAIG!" Stan shouted, pleading, "HELP!"

No one heard him and he was far away from anyone.

88

At the hospital, after being treated and sleeping the night at the hospital, Alex awoke and decided to visit Kyle in his room.

"You're beautiful" Kyle sighed, watching Alex snort with laughter with confusion

"I think the smoke's gotten to your head" Alex smiled, blushing deeply

"These hospital gowns are so itchy" Kyle muttered, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, now" Alex shrugged, crossing her arms over the hospital apron she wore, "Last night was hell"

"I'm glad you're okay, it could've ended really badly" Kyle sat up

"You risked your life for me " Alex smiled, hugging him tight, "Thank you so much for what you did back there"

"Cartman's an asshole" Kyle hugged her back and sat back

Alex's phone rang. She picked it up with her free hand, the other was bandaged.

"Hello?" Alex answered

"Where is my boyfriend?" Wendy's voice spoke, "Did you-"

"I was in a house fire" Alex deadpanned, "Kyle and I are in hospital. Cartman burned my house down, and as I said before, Stan and I haven't even said a word to each other"

"O- Oh my god!" Wendy sounded distraught, "That shit!"

"Is Stan missing?" Alex changed the subject, causing Kyle to sit bolt upright, flinching as a headache forced him to lie back down.

"Y-yeah" Wendy sighed, "I went to get something from my house in the night and when I came back, he wasn't in his bed!"

"Are you sure he didn't leave on his own accord?" Alex asked, "to take a dump or get something from the fridge?"

"He hasn't been seen by his parents or me ever since 2am this morning" Wendy's voice started to crack


	7. Chapter 7

After a few days, Wendy, Alex, Kyle and Kenny boys returned to Alex's house.

"Jesus" Kenny muttered, looking at the black molten mess

"Where am I going to live?" Alex sighed, "I can't crash at Kyle's forever"

"Ugh, something smells like burnt chops" Wendy dry gagged

"I have a feeling the smell isn't chops" Alex murmured, "or food"

"Oh" Wendy vomited, "Look up there!"

They looked at what remained of the top floor. The blackened walls and broken stairs had caved into what used to be the living room. In the mess, was a charred, blackened large body.

"Anyone know why no one took that corpse away?" Kyle asked

"Maybe they confused it with a part of the house" Alex shrugged

"I can't believe Stan could just go missing" Kyle sighed, looking at his feet, "he was my best friend"

"Is. He could still be alive" Wendy pointed out

They carried on their way down the road.

"So, where are you going to be staying?" Kenny asked Alex

"Not Kenny!" Wendy gasped, "he has lots of things in his room you'd rather _unsee_"

"Come on, everyone's seen a pair of tits!" Kenny laughed, "Especially you, girls"

"I think I'll stay at Kyle's. Sheila's been very understanding" Alex smiled

"She still thinks we're going to get up to something so she's pretty much put Alex in Ike's room" Kyle laughed

"I don't think Ike's any safer" Kenny smirked, "He screwed a forty year old at three"

Everyone started to laugh at this. Wendy turned to the group.

"I planned this huge party tonight and I think it would be great if you could come, Alex. Girls party" Wendy smiled, "maybe Stan just walked out on me, that's all. He's just avoiding me"

"I'd love to come" Alex smiled, "And I think Stan will turn up"

88

That evening, Kenny walked out of his house to see Craig walking out an ally way, looking very angry.

"Craig!" Kenny waved, glad to see a friend "You okay?"

"Yeah- I" Craig looked behind his shoulder

"KENNY!" Stan's muffled voice sounded, "KENNY!"

"Stan!?" Kenny looked around, running to his voice

"Kenny, don't" Craig snarled, walking slowly behind Kenny who went down the allyway.

"Craig, what did you do?" Kenny snapped, turning to a dumpster that had a lid with a padlock on.

"Stan!" Kenny called

"Help me!" the dumpster cried, "Craig, is he around? Can you open the lid, Kenny?"

"I'm sorry, but that won't happen" Craig purred, lifting a brick and smacking Kenny out cold.

"KENNNNYYYY!" Stan howled, voice muffled by the dumpster

"Sorry, loverboy" Craig started to drag the unconscious Kenny down the allyway, to stash him in a place no one would ever think he _wouldn't_ be.

88

Alex poured herself a cola whilst Bebe giggled loudly on one of the pincushions lying around the room.

"So, Red!" Bebe poked her friend, "Tell me!"

"I don't want to!" Red shrugged, "I thought I would get into the swim team if I wore it"

"What was it again?" Bebe asked, eyes widening in wonderment

"I'm never doing it again" Red sighed, "The coach wasn't at all swayed by the fact I had on a _very tiny _bikini"

"Either he's gay or he's very good at his job about avoiding judging his team" Wendy shrugged, biting a red snake

"No matter what size top you're wearing, he's looking at your skills. Phew" Alex laughed, sitting with them

"Maybe I should give the swimmers to Wendy!" Red smiled, rifling in her bag, "for her precious boy, in the bedroom"

"I DARE you to try it on!" Red gave it to Wendy who eyed Alex

"We all should try it on, who fits it best can have it" Wendy suggested

"Good idea!" Red clasped her hands with glee, taking the costume and flinging it at Bebe who vanished into the storeroom under the stairs. After a while, she started to scream.

"Bebe!" they all ran to the closed door, scared

"OH MMY GGGGOD!" Bebe lunged out the door, leaping behind a couch in terror

"What is it, Bebe?" Wendy went over to her friend, forgetting about the tremendously revealing bikini.

"Kenny is in there! Gagged, tied up and in a latex onzie!" Bebe howled, shuddering

"What the fu-" Wendy stared at the room before her

"Kenny?" Alex felt her blood boil

"MMMmmmmppphhh!" Kenny's voice was strained

After Bebe changed into her normal clothes, they went into the room and saw Kenny tied up, red in the face and clearly very uncomfortable. Wendy yanked off the gag.

"Wendy!" Kenny wheezed, "I know where-"

"You are an unbelievably disgusting perv!" Wendy snapped, "You piece of crap!"

"No-" Kenny struggled to sit up, "Craig-"

"CRAIG put you up to this!?" Wendy snarled, glaring

"Whistlin' Willey's! behind, in the alleyway! dumpster!" Kenny croaked, "in there!"

"Did Craig do this?" Alex felt terrible, slowly untying the ropes that caused welts on Kenny's hands.

"He wanted Wendy to think I was….." Kenny looked at what he was wearing, "Well, I wasn't I promise"

"You would" Bebe spat, "sicko. You saw my-"

Wendy started to bolt out the front door, Alex in tow, dialing Kyle's number as she puffed, sprinting after Wendy's top speed running.

"Kyle!" Alex gasped as he picked up, "Meet me and Whistlin' Willey's NOW!"

"It's ten o'clock" Kyle started

"It's about Stan!" Alex shouted, keeping up with Wendy


	8. Chapter 8

"Stan!" Wendy croaked, yanking at the dumpster, tears filling in her eyes

"Wendy, we need to calm down, we just have to find a way to open the lock" Alex tried

"Just take Tis and have a look out!" Wendy thrust a pistol in hr hand and shived her back to the entry way of the ally. Alex took it, surprised.

"Guys?" Stan's voice spoke, weak and tired, "Oh you're here!"

"You will be okay, Stan" Alex looked over Wendy's warbled sobbing and dumpster shaking

"Oh thank god" came Stan's muffled voice, "I've been calling for help for ages"

Kyle came pelting down the ally way, eyes wide in surprise.

"Oh thank god you're here! Maybe you could help us open the lid" Alex looked at the dumpster

"I have an idea" a voice said, coolly, "why don't you all-"

"Craig!" Alex opened a hand, "give me the pistol"

"Three people against one, dude" Kyle walked towards Craig, "give it up"

"O- Oh shit, what's going ON!?" Stan's voice shouted

"I'm going to take care of your friends" Craig smiled in reply

"Don't hurt them!" Stan shouted uselessly, "You're a fucking dickhead! You know that?"

"Look at all these people" Craig pointed the gun like a finger at each person, "They all came to save your ass. No one would do that for me" Craig glared

A group of cops stormed down the alleyway. Guns at the ready, looking everywhere.

"Freeze! This is the South Park Police!" Barbradey shouted

"What?" Alex blinked

"Oh NO!" Stan cried

"Stan, it's going to be alright, I promise!" Wendy patted the lid of the dumpster

"We have been hearing rumours of a talking dumpster!" Barbradey said, "Hand it over!"

"No!" everyone spat, Wendy flicked Alex's gun hand, telling her to lift the gun onto them.

"NO!" Crag roared, holding a gun of his own, "He will DIE in this dumpster, ALONE!"

"Okay, okay, okay" Kyle clutched the bridge of his nose, "what?"

"This is the South Park Cows team, do NOT move!" a man with a very loud, deep angry voice bellowed, causing everyone to look and point their gun at a group of 12 students in South Park Cows uniform, each had a pistol.

"COACH!" Stan shouted, sounding relieved for a moment

"Mr Marsh is OUR property! He signed a legal contract!"

"Uh oh" Alex murmured

"…God dammit" Stan sighed

"Freeze! This is the CIA!" a helicopter appeared, a man spoke over the intercom, "we believe there is suspected drug use within the South Park team!"

"REALLY!?" Kyle blinked at the sky, a search light blinding the children

Everyone looked around. Everyone kept training their pistol on each enemy, unsure who to shoot or not to shoot. Alex looked at the padlock and fired, causing everyone to leap behind cover and start shooting in a frenzy.

"O-oh wait, it's just a naked kid" Officer Barbradey said before fleeing the scene after seeing a dark haired boy poke his head out the dumpster, eyes worried.

"STOP FIRING!" Wendy cried, clutching onto Stan who had climbed out and hid behind the dumpster.

"This is really fucked up, right here" Stan looked around, covering his head

Alex, Craig, and the twelve children stopped shooting. Some people were bleeding from bullet wounds while others gritted their teeth and fired manically.

"You suck at shooting!" one of the team mates shouted at Alex

"Sorry!" Alex called back, "never used a pistol before"

"Don't hurt Mr Marsh" the coach said, slowly

"We weren't planning to" Wendy answered

"Stan, what happened to…" Kyle looked at his bestfriend's body. It no longer had rippling muscles, rather it was flat limbs and tanned.

"I-" Stan looked at his coach, "I didn't have my steroids-"

The helicopter fired at the coach, killing him instantly. This, caused the team members to scatter, running away screaming.

"I-" Stan looked at Wendy, "Do- D-"

"Are you okay?" Alex looked at Stan, unsure what to make of his facial expression

"Wendy, do you still love me?" Stan motioned at himself, "l- like this?"

Wendy let out a choked out cry, launched herself onto Stan, wrapping her arms and legs around her boyfriend, giving him a large hug "I've always been in love you, Stan, no matter what!"

"Oh, look at this emotional scene" Craig smiled, walking up to them.

"Leave us alone!" Alex snapped, standing in front of her group of friends, "especially-" Alex cleared her throat

"Especially who?" Craig cocked an eyebrow

Craig pointed at Alex and Kyle, "are you two an item, now?"

"You've been hanging around Cartman way too often!" Kyle snapped, "Oh my god…" Craig blinked, "I just…. I…"

"Leave before I send you to the sun" Wendy ordered after the scurrying anorexic looking Craig

"I didn't.. Mean to… holy shit what the fuck have I done!?" Craig shrieked as he pelted away

"I'm glad you're okay" Kyle hugged Stan.

They were walking down the allyway, back to their former plans when Wendy turned to face Alex and Kyle.

"So, are you two, like, an item, now?" Wendy asked, hands clasped together

"Uh" Alex blinked in surprise

"N-no" Kyle shook his head, "You suck at cupid's work, Wendy"

Alex was just about to retaliate with how _utterly_ offensive that comment was only to realize her very own deeply secret feelings would be revealed if she dared say a word. Would it be such a terrible job by cupid?


	9. Chapter 9

"Let's all go to my house for a celebration for my beloved's safety" Wendy smiled, clasping Stan's hand in hers.

"R-really?" Stan looked happy, "Sure, might be fun"

"I should warn you…" Alex looked around and whispered, "Kenny's wearing latex"

"Really" Stan laughed at this, "No surprise"

They entered the house. Kenny hugged Stan the minute he walked into the door.

"Thank god you're okay!" Kenny gasped in relief

"Y-yeah, I'm fine, I promise" Stan smiled

"Is It me or do the boys happen to be wearing pajamas" the mother said, walking in

"Long story, ma" Wendy smiled, "Kyle in his pajamas saved Stan in his pajamas from the dumpster. Kenny was kidnapped and stashed under the stairs… in… ahhh… latex"

Kenny blushed as the woman stared at Kenny's very tight stretchy jumpsuit.

"Oh alright then" she turned around and vanished out the front door, "I'm going out! don't do anything stupid, Wendy"

"What was the stupidest thing I've done!" Wendy shouted

"Licked the road for a bet!" her mother called back  
"Nothing stupider will happen" Wendy smiled, a flint in her eye told everyone she was plotting a game.

000

Wendy slowly placed a bottle in the center of the circle. Beer bottles were now littering the carpet everyone was a little bit tipsy and laughing, smiling and telling stories and jokes.

"Does everyone know the rules?" Wendy asked

"Oh- Oh! can we make out with inanimate objects?" Red asked

"Red, what the fuck!?" Wendy stared in shock

"No" Red pointed at Kenny, "In tenth grade, he fucked a Bunsen burner"

"That was you?" Alex looked at Kenny with disbelief, "How the hell did you even…."

"Okay" Kenny smiled, "whatever object or person the bottle turns to, you gotta smack lips. Bunsen burners included"

"Oh but-" Kyle laughed, "Okay, may as well, this is so going in the year book"

Bebe stood up and spun the bottle, it turned to a chair.

"Are you sure you want me to screw this chair?" Bebe cocked an eyebrow whilst swigging from a can of southern comfort

"Yes" Wendy laughed

"This" Kenny pointed at Bebe, "is why I sneak into your houses at night"

"EEEeeew it tastes like VARNISH!" Bebe stuck out her toungue and wiped it, after smooching the chair leg.

"Your turn" Wendy pointed at Kenny, as if ordering him to kill himself, "NOW"

everyone started laughing drunkenly as Kenny squeaked across the carpet in his onzie and spun the bottle, which landed on himself.

"I am very sure you lovely girls do not want me to jerk off" Kenny asked, standing up

"Jack! Jackin' it in san diegO!" Stan chortled, holding up a large bottle of Jameson, "OH smackity smack! Jackin it in SAAAAN DIEEEGOOO!" Stan chorused loudly, wobbling on his feet as everyone broke out dancing, Wendy turned on music whilst everyone shook out their moves.

"Hey, oh Hey oh" everyone was singing very badly, "Smackity SSSMMMACK!"

Kyle grabbed Alex by the hands and spun her around as they sang and laughed.

"Come on everyone!" Kenny chortled, hands in the air, "JACK OFF WITH MEEEEE!"

"What the F-" Bebe blinked, only to snort beer out of her nose with laughter

"Spin SPIN SPIN!" Red sang, prodding Stan and Wendy, "SPIN ME AROUND LIKE A SONG IN YOUR HEEEEADD!"

….


	10. Chapter 10

The sun poured into the windows, birds sang their annoying tune and the snow crusted the windowpanes once more.

"Oh no" Stan sat up, "Wendy"

Wendy was curled up, head resting on Stan's lap. They were sleeping on the couch and Stan had drooled into her glossy beautiful hair.

"Hmm my head" Wendy groaned, sitting up, "what is it?"

"I have a feeling" Stan barfed into his mouth, swallowing it back down, "That we went a little crazy"

They looked at Kenny who was in a curled up position, facing the wall. Something in his hand made a noise as he moved.

"Kenny" Stan hoarsely whispered, "what happened?"

"My…." Kenny sat up, "I stuck it in the bottle and jerked off"

Stan saw what Kenny was pointing at and started to laugh.

"NO FAIR!" Kenny struggled not to laugh

Someone upstairs vomited violently, after a toilet flush.

"We found your bed" Kyle wobbled down the stairs, wiping his mouth, "You might want to…. Laundry"

"O- OOohhh my head" Wendy groaned, lying back onto Stan, "Comfy lap"

"Fuck we have school today" Alex and Bebe appeared, coming downstairs,

"Sleeping in the bathroom was lots of fun" Alex said sarcastically, "ohhhhh fuck I feel sick"

"My shirt's all stained" Bebe sniffed


	11. Chapter 11

"Maybe I'm a little glad we don't remember anything" Bebe shrugged

"Hey…" Wendy prodded Stan, "I- I think I need to tell Alex something"

Alex froze mid-step, "Is something wrong?"

"Don't be silly" Wendy clutched her pounding head, "Prom. I forgot to tell you. It's next month"

"I've been here about three months and you tell me now?" Alex cocked an eyebrow, cringing as her headache pulsed

"I-" Wendy vomited on Stan's lap

"Aw AWWW!" Stan groaned, head hitting the back of the couch

Kyle sat next to Alex, cautiously watching the group.

"Will someone help me remove by junk from this beer bottle?" Kenny's voice moaned from the kitchen

"Whack it!" Stan shouted

"THAT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING!" Kenny Whined, causing laughter to ripple around the room

"I mean, WHACK it against something" Stan snapped

"Oh" Kenny paused, "O- OHh! YOU'RE a genius!" Kenny laughed. After a while, broken glass sounded.

"Better" Kenny laughed, walking into the living room

"Kenny" Red sniggered, "You look mighty cute like that"

"Woah, you LIKE having a latex jumpsuit grip my junk?" Kenny spat

"Y-no" Red blushed

"So…." Alex turned to Wendy, "what's the dates list?"

"Well, Me and Stan are a couple, Red's staying home cuz she's got no _date_ and Kenny and Bebe are a couple. You and Kyle have no dates" Wendy counted off her fingers

"Oh, I gotta hurry up" Alex smiled, ignoring Kyle's eyes that pierced the side of her face.

"I don't want to" Wendy smiled sweetly, "point out the obvious but… Look to your left, munchkin"

Alex cringed at Wendy's new nickname for her and looked to her left, only to see Kyle staring back at her.

"Would you go to prom with me?" Kyle asked

"Is it just me or…" Kenny sat down, "do Kyle and Alex have the same hair and eye colour?"

"I think this guy's still high" Red cringed, "aren't you"

"Red, why don't you want to go to prom?" Wendy asked, forgetting Alex's face of astonishment. They were discussing red's reasons when Alex started to speak.

"I-" Alex stuttered, blushing deeply, "Yes"

Kyle smiled, looking as if he'd been told that he was the cutest boy in the whole school.

"Fantastic" Kyle smiled

"Look" Kenny winked at Red, "If Bebe can't handle my awesomeness, you can be my date, there's enough of me to share"

"Jesus, you player!" Stan laughed

"A-actually, fine" Red looked at Bebe, "Thanks for letting me share your date"

"Ugh" Bebe sighed, "just don't screw each other on the dance floor"

"I''ll try not to" Kenny grinned

"That would be youtube worthy" Wendy sniggered, "better than the Bunsen burner stories"

"Nah" Kenny shook his head, "if you do, it'd look like you recorded a porno"

Red rolled her eyes as Bebe chortled out loud.

000

Kenny slowly took a sip from a cola can, watching Alex swear at a maths question. They were sitting at the park, waiting for the rest of the group.

"You're angry" Kenny smiled

"Course I'm angry! This is making me angry!" Alex shook the paper in frustration

"Just do the working out, regardless of the answer, the teacher will see you _tried_" Kenny shrugged

"I appreciate your help" Alex stuffed paper in her bag, "How do you keep like that? People making jokes about you"

"Have you watched _How I Met Your Mother?" _Kenny asked, looking at Alex intently

"Yes, I have" Alex wasn't sure what he was getting at

"Barney's my middle name" Kenny smiled, "Full of awesomeness"

"Oh really?" Alex looked surprised

"Highfive" Kenny jeered

"I am not highfiving the fact you're happy about other people thinking you're a womanizer. Even if you are one" Alex deadpanned

"SELF five!" he clapped his hands together

Wendy sauntered over, Stan in tow. She sat with the duo whilst Wendy slowly looked at Alex and Kenny.

"Are you two" Wendy asked, "secretly in love?"

"No" Kenny and Alex said in unison

"Besides, I think someone else has eyes on the red head" Kenny interjected

"Which red head and which someone?" Stan asked, crossing his arms as he leaned on the table they were surrounding.

"Oh, the two people I am referring to" Kenny began, "Know"

"I don't" Alex confessed, feeling her heart beat 100,00 times per minute

Kenny glanced at Alex with an expression that read like a policeman detecting a lie. He said nothing, smiled and sat back, ignoring whatever was bothering him.

"Are you sure" Wendy stared, dark brown eyes piercing into the pupils of Alex's eyes.

"Y-yes" Alex felt herself go bright red, "You're trying to set me up" she tried look dismissive but the redness of her cheeks were darkening.

"I saw you" Wendy smiled, ignoring Kenny who was smirking at himself.

"Saw me what" Alex frowned

"Drawing love heart around a letter K in your art diary" Wendy smiled

"That's because I love Krispy Crèmes!" Alex snapped, her face now emitting heat as well as redness.

"MMmmm" Wendy smacked her lips, "We all know, darling"

"Can you please drop this" Alex sighed, wiping her sweaty hands on her pants

"Okay" Stan placed two hairy hands on the table, "lets discuss how the hell we plan to afford the new GTA5 game that's out"

"It's 180 dollars" Alex said off the top of her head, "if we split it between us, if we share the game with each of us for each two weeks…"

The group carried on talking about the hype of grand theft auto and about other juicy gossip they could find.


	12. Chapter 12

Half a month had passed, Craig sat in Dr Mephesto's building, feeling suicidal, depressed and angry at the world and everyone in it. Knees drawn to his chest, angry about everything he sighed.

"No one ever speaks to me" Craig growled, "I must seek revenge"

"Well, young man" Dr Mephesto looked through a large book, admiring a page after a while, "I think I have an idea for you"

"I want to teach them a lesson!" Craig spat

"This" Dr Mephesto held out a bottle of liquid, "Is a hullicinagen. It will allow you to give them nightmares as you control their dreams"

Craig launched from his seat and snatched the bottle, dumping a few dollars on the table and left.

That morning, school was just about normal, Alex sat with the girls and guys on one table and they all chatted about whatever interested them. Prom loomed a little bit closer and Craig grew angrier.

"Hey!" Craig appeared at the table, smiling brightly

"You're very happy" Kyle observed

"Well, I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry" Craig looked at Stan, "About a while ago"

"It's okay dude" Stan smiled back at him

"No- I just felt really bad, today, remembering my behavior" Craig brought out a chocolate cake from a paper bag, "I just want to tell you that I'm sorry

"That's sweet of you" Alex thanked him, "That's very mature of you to apologize but there's no need for cake"

"Please have it, I made it especially" Craig set it in front of them, "It's chocolate"

Everyone tucked in, ignoring Craig who vanished from the table to sit with his own group of people.

000

_I'll kill each an every one of ya! _A voice laughed behind her. Alex blinked, realizing she was holding a Bunsen burner that was alight. Sitting in front of her, Red was tied up and gagged, drenched in what smelled like gasoline.

"Alex" Red cried, "No"

"Where are-" Alex croaked, "what? Did you hear that? I don't remember ever coming here or doing this"

"Wendy, please don't make Alex do this!"

Wendy pressed the pistol on Alex, hissing in a voice that didn't sound like her own, "Do it"

"We're your friends" Alex tried

"Do it, or I'll kill you and do it myself!" Wendy roared in a man's voice

"I think I've lost it" Alex sighed, tears welling in her eyes, "Oh no"

Alex squeezed her eyes shut and dropped the match, causing Red to scream in utter agony, Alex turned around and bolted, Wendy chasing after her in an insanely fast pace.

Stan opened his eyes to find himself in a small toilet cubical sized room, tied to a chair. A chute above him was pouring water that was rapidly rising, filling up.

"HELP!" Stan screamed, frantic

"Stan!" Kyle was furiously rattling on the door, scared, "Oh god, what the hell?"

Kenny woke up. He had been lying on a long stretch of road.

"Ow" Kenny rubbed his head, "I must've gone binge drinking"

His head didn't throb in a hangover manner, more as if he knocked himself on the head. A large dog appeared, teeth bared, rotting and yellow.

"Here boy!" Kenny crouched, trying to appear friendly, "Who wants a treat!"

It growled menacingly, slowly stalking towards him.

"KENNY!" a voice screamed, "Stan's trapped! Help!"

"Hold on!" Kenny called

Kenny looked behind him and saw Kyle yanking on a cubical door where panicked screaming was coming from.

"Stan, how did you-" Kenny shouted, walking over only to freeze

"Kenny, there's a dog…. I think it has rabies" Kyle squeaked

"Here boy!" Kenny smiled, giving out a hand for the dog to lick

"KENNY!" Kyle cried, watching his best friend get floored, knocked out as his head smacked on to the pavement. The dog was mauling Kenny's face, angrily ripping off chunks and swallowing bits in delight.

Kyle turned back to the cubical, gave the door one large desperate yank and fell as a wave of water gushed out, drenching Kyle in the process. Alex was running up the road, fear in her eyes.

"Oh my god, what happened!" Alex gasped, looking at Stan's limp body on the ground

"O- Oh my god" Kyle looked at Kenny's remains and Stan's drenched body, "What the hell?"

Wendy appeared, hardly panting, grabbed Alex and put a knife to Alex's throat.

"Don't do anything stupid" Wendy purred

Alex, struggling to wrestle Wendy off, started to tear up, trembling "Don't do this"

"Leave her alone" Kyle walked up to her, seeing a bead of blood appear from beneath the blade.

"Why the _fuck_ should I!" Wendy spoke, in a voice that was growing familiar

"Wendy, What are you doing? We're all best friends and suddenly your voice-"

"Any last words?" Wendy cut Kyle off

"She doesn't have any, because you _won't_ kill her" Kyle reached for Wendy

Alex and Kyle locked eyes for a moment when Wendy started to laugh a mean, menacing cackle.

"_I love you_" Alex whispered as the blade slit her throat open, causing her to choke_._

Slowly, Wendy let go, letting Alex drop to the floor, spluttering and coughing blood and groaning as she eventually went still. Wendy bent her head down, trembling.

"Wendy!" Kyle's voice wavered, tears pouring down his cheeks, "You just murdered every single person that cared about you!"

Wendy looked up. Instead of a woman's face, Kyle saw Craig in Wendy's garb.

"You dick" Kyle spat, lunging for him. Craig was far too fast, the knife sunk into Kyle's forehead, sinking into his brain.

000

Everyone in their own respective houses woke up, screaming blue murder, tears and sweat stained pajamas, They trembled, eyes wide with horror.

Craig, opening his eyes, smiled to himself gleefully, only to freeze as he saw Bebe point a pistol to his head.

"Mephesto tipped me off" Bebe snarled, thrusting the gun to his head, "You looked like you had a wet dream"

"Bebe- wait!" Craig croaked, only to fall limp on his pillow, blood pouring out of the back of his head.

"Lights out" Bebe cooed, sauntering out


	13. Chapter 13

Everyone had thought only they dreamt the dream. Kyle stared up at the ceiling with his jaw agape. _That was some fucked up dream_ Kyle muttered to himself, turning over to look out his bedroom door, across the landing to Ike's bedroom, who Alex shared the room with. Slowly, he rose from his bed and crept over to the door, careful not to wake Ike. He opened the door, to see Alex fast asleep back facing the door.

"I want to sleep" Ike's sleep ridden voice spoke, "I'll tell mum if you-"

Kyle sighed and shut the door, wandering downstairs to get a glass of water.

After gulping down the contents, he went back upstairs, to see Alex standing in front of his door.

"You're up" Alex walked to Kyle, "I- I had a weird dream"

"Uh, so did I" Kyle shrugged, unable to stop himself from staring at her rumpled hair and crumpled T-shirt

"I.." Alex looked at her feet, hugging herself, "Bebe sent us a group text message, to our group"

Kyle stepped closer so they were standing a foot apart.

"Alex" Kyle cleared his throat, causing Alex to look up at Kyle, taking in every freckle on his face and the way his eyes shone a darker green than her own. Alex didn't register that his face was now inches away from her own.

"I love you, too" Kyle whispered

Before Alex could even react or widen her eyes in astonishment, Kyle kissed her, enclosing Alex in his arms.

Alex slowly wrapped her arms around him as Kyle ran his hands through her hair. Relief flooding through her veins. They stayed like that until the clock alarm rang for school, they tore apart reluctently and launched for their bedrooms to get ready for school ignoring what had just happened.

88

Bebe flung her towel aside after her shower and screamed., Forgetting about what she was wanting to break to the group about Craig and the dream.

"Are you alright, Bebe!?" her mother called from downstairs

"N-nothing!" Bebe croaked, "Just a spider!"

"Okay then!" the mother shouted upstairs

Bebe stared at herself in the mirror, turned to her side and placed a hand on the bump appearing on her abdomen.

"What the fuck?" Bebe cringed, "and I thought my period was just getting Alzheimers"

Bebe rushed to get dressed and frantically dialed Wendy's mobile.

"Wendy!" Bebe hushed down the line, "I-"

"You sound as if someone has you at gunpoint, are you? Are you alright? What's the matter?" Wendy's voice came

"I- I-" Bebe stuttered, "How the hell did I become—p-pr-p-"

"Pregnant?" Wendy asked, Bebe could hear Wendy's breathing stop

"YES! HOW!" Bebe howled

"Well, when two people love eachother verrry much-" Wendy began

"NO YOU FUCKING MORON!" Bebe screamed,, "I have no idea who the fuck the father is and I do not remember screwing anyone in the last YEAR!"

Bebe was breathing heavily, sweat forming on her face, "Wendy, are you there"  
"Bebe" Wendy sighed, "I- Oh god this is… bad"

"What is it?" Bebe snapped, annoyed

"I think" Wendy sucked in a volume of air, "Ugh, just forget about it, take the pill and wrap yourself in condoms at prom"

"HAHA!" Bebe spat, irritated, "I can't! I can't let ANYONE know why I need the pill and besides…." She trailed off, face white

"Bebe?" Wendy gently spoke, "are you alright?"

"I have to have an abortion" Bebe slowly deadpanned, "It's way too late for the pill"

"And you say you can't tell anyone about your baby's existence" Wendy finished, "Look, teenage pregnancies are nothing but trouble. Please don't go with it, please! As your best friend, I beg of you"

"I…" Bebe started to tremble, falling to her knees, "I'm screwed"

"Well, you did get screwed" Wendy laughed weekly at her bad joke

"Look," Wendy sighed "Let's discuss this at school"

88

Kenny, while eating breakfast was re-reading an envelope sent to him.

"This is ridiculous" Kenny snapped, munching on a frozen waffle, phone to his ear

"You need to tell your future girl this" Stan's voice came over from the other end

"No, dude" Kenny shook his head, "THIS is going to be burnt and I will never ever remember this ever again"

"If you do that, you might cause a lot of grief for yourself" Stan sighed, ignoring the doorbell that rang

"Look, you have to" Stan pleaded, "It will be better if you do, I promise you"

"Kenny!" Red's voice called, "I want to speak to you, please!"

"Coming babe!" Kenny called.

Kenny went to dump the rest of his breakfast in the bin, hung up and left his house to loop arms around Red.

"You sounded serious, I could hear you outside" Red looked at him

"I-It's nothing, Red, I promise you" Kenny smiled as they walked

"Please tell me, I promise I won't tell anyone" Red squeezed his arm, "I'm a good secret keeper"

"I know you are" Kenny sighed, "Just not now"

"It sounded like the person on the phone wanted me to know" Red stopped, causing Kenny to jerk backwards.

"Red" Kenny turned to face her, hands in pockets

"You're dying" Red looked concerned

"N-no" Kenny shook his head

"What is it?" Red's eyes peered into his, "tell me"

"I" Kenny caught his breath, "think you need to get tested"

"WHAT!?" Red choked, eyebrows going upwards

"I have… Herpes" Kenny whispered


	14. Chapter 14

Mr pablo was talking about American history, when mr Mackey's voice boomed through the intercom, freezing everyone in silence.

"Can the girls who ever had intercourse with Mr. Kenny McKormik report to the nurse for an std check" he droned

"oh god" Kenny thumped his head on the desk, watching every single girl in his class shoot him a look and walk out, leaving Wendy, Alex to stare in horror in their seats.

"Where's Bebe?" Wendy whispered

"Bebe had to go to hospital, not sure why" Stan shrugge

"oh no-" Kenny launched up and bolted, sprinting for the hospital, leaving everyone in confusion

000

Red walked to the nurses office and passed Karen on the way out.

"Karen" Red gasped, "incest?"

"No" Karen blushed, "I think i know something"

"Tell me" Red stared

"Kenny screwed the same bunsen burner i used to screw" Karen said quietly

"so the bunsen burner has hep-" Red cut her self off and ran to the office

"Nurse!" Red grabbed her shoulder, "ask who had sex with the bunsen burners!"

"oh crap" Nurse went white, " then that means"

000

"whoever jerked off to the bunsen burners must report to the nurses office immediately!" Mackey barked in the intercom, causing mr Garrison to drop his chalk and go white

"you didn't" Ike stared at him, "oh.. Fuck"

Ike stalked off to the nurses office with Mr Garrison, head down


	15. Chapter 15

Bebe sighed as the front desk lady told her how gross the abortion was.

"We get a vacuum cleaner and stick it" the nurse monotoned, "this is all your fault"

Kenny barrelled into the room, panting "Bebe"

"oh you know, too" Bebe moaned

The nurse took out a vacuum cleaner and turned it on

"Oh my go-" Kenny began

"It's all my fault" Bebe began to cry

"Bebe, maybe you should have an ultrasound first" Kenny mumbled

"Oh," the nurse smiled, "good idea"

"Bebe, i have bad news" Kenny knotted his hands together

"not now" Bebe snapped

after the ultrasound, the nurse stared at Bebe, took her bloods and left, coming back half an hour later.

"you're not pregnant, just fat" nurse said, watching Bebe smile in relief

" the bad news" Kenny and Nurse said in unison, "you have Hepatitis"


	16. Chapter 16

Kenny, Karen, Ike, Bebe, Mr garrison and Red along with a few unnamed girls and guys sat in mr mackey's office. The school nurse looked annoyed.

"This is what happens" Mr Mackey said, "when you screw around"

"really, i think i should be getting this lecture" Kenny felt terrible

"oh we know the time line of how you got this" Mr Mackey said

"How" Bebe said, verge of tears

"Garrison screwed the bunsen burner and those people who screwed the bunsen burner screwed other people" Nurse explained

"is there a cure?" Ike piped up

"We need to get you so drunk your toxic blood kills the virus" Mr mackey explained

"Are you sure about that" Kenny blinked

"one party of booze, a day off from school to get over the hangover" Mr Mackey said

.


	17. Chapter 17

Wendy and Bebe sat on the cough next door to a wild party in the next room.

"You killed Craig!" Wendy shouted, horror on her face

"Yes, I already texted everyone about the dream!" Bebe explained

"Everyone thought they only dreamt it. It was Craig being an ass" Bebe sighed

"You saved our asses!" Wendy hugged Bebe, "Now, let's go into the living room, Kenny wanted to make a toast"

"Wait" Bebe took Wendy by the shoulder, "I'm just fat, not pregnant"

They laughed at this.

"Phew" Wendy grinned

"Let's get cured" Bebe jeered

"You texted everyone, they say that they hardly remember the dream despite it's traumatizing effects" Wendy remembered

"Who cares" Bebe shrugged, disappearing into the crowd in the othe room, Wendy in tow

"It was jus a nightmare" Wendy smiled to herself

"Hello and welcome to the CRAZIEST" Kenny lifted a finger to the sky, "Party you've ever been to!"

the crowd that surrounded the living room table jeered, raising their various beer bottle brands towards Kenny, as if doing a toast.

"On behalf of Mr Mackey" Kenny spoke in a movie trailer voice, "We have been ordered to get absolutely SMASHED to cure ourselves if what we call, the Bunsen Burnerr virus! OR BBV. The ultimate Burner!"

Everyone wooed and jumped, screaming in delight as Kenny leapt onto the floor, doing an air guitar.

"Let there be MU-" Kenny's voice was cut off

"STAN! NO!" Wendy's voice started

"Uh, sure you can come in" Stan said, opening the doors to a group of girls in Raisins shirts.

"What's wrong, Wendy?" Stan asked, looking at his girl who was fuming

"Do you know where they put their fingers?" Wendy snapped, "Or in their YARD!?"

"Everyone here is smart enough to put their junk in their YARD!" Stan spat, lifting a bottle of vodka and gulping it's contents

"Enough with the euphemisms, ladies" Kenny appeared, placing a hand on each friend and leading them off, "Now, come and get buzzed"

Amidst all the dancing, drinking, tripping. Alex stumbled outside, wanting to get some fresh air. Seeing a hot tub that was closed, she wandered downstairs, debated if she was sober enough to man a spa and turned it on, sighing as she submerged herself in the water that was now frothing violently as it roared to life.

"Hey" a voice caused her to jump, turning around

"Hello" Alex smiled at Kyle who climbed in

"This morning" Kyle sighed, "It was a little impulsive, sorry"

"It's okay" Alex smiled, "In fact"

Alex scooted over to where Kyle was sitting and placed an arm around him, when a crash caused them both to look up.

A stream of Raisins girls were squealing and running in their direction. Their breath smelling of alcohol, bright pink lipstick and short skirts revealing their knickers, they leapt into the spa, grabbed Kyle and Alex and started to drag them out the spa, into the darkness.

"NO!" Alex was kicking, "Let go of us!"

"YOU FFFUCKERS!" Kyle howled as they were dragged off

Inside the party, everyone was drinking and singing to silly loud songs with bad musical harmony. Kenny had shoved a random girl who attempted to kiss him into a bowl of orange punch, causing her gentle demeanor to turn into a horrible angry screaming banshee. Stan and Wendy were playing beer pong with several other people. Ike had managed to get himself onto the table and, since he was so drunk, would try and reach for a beer bottle from an unsuspecting victim and pour it on it's owners, while sipping from it, too. Bebe and Red were eating a bag of Doritos, telling each other who was going to collapse first. Wendy hit the floor first, causing Bebe to retire Wendy to her bedroom, locking the door.


	18. Chapter 18

Stan, in the closet beneath the stairs, felt one of the rasins girls straddle him, clearly enjoying the taste of his skin.

"Remember me?" She cooed, "you came to us when that purple girl dumped you"

"no" Stan admitted, stroking her face in the dark, "i'm very drunk"

"thats how i roll" she grinned, pinning him to the wall and losing themselves in a heated passionate moan infested screwing.

ooo

Bebe re-appeared. Wendy and Bebe, drunk off their faces watched dazedly as kenny jerked off messily in front of them.

"Hey, have you experimented" Bebe asked Wendy

"i'm as high as a kite" Bebe giggled, ignoring the fact a raisins girl was flashing them.

"He-Hey kenny. Wendy reached for Bebe, "you're so... Hot"

"thanks, love" Kenny winked only to stare in awe as Bebe's head vanished in Wendy's lip smacking and smooching.

"hot" Kenny smirked, falling over, "too hot"

"wendy, it's Bebe!" Wendy struggled her off, tired

oo

Kyle kicked one of the raisins as they dropped them out the house

"no sober people" Raisins girl wagged her finger

"we're tipsy" Alex smiled weekly, "i just dont feel like-"

"get drunk!" She barked, huffing her chest

"Ok!" Kyle snapped, "leave us alone"

they went back to the spa, Alex turned to face Kyle.

"I am 100 percent sober" Alex whispered

"So am i, Why is that important?" Kyle cocked an eyebrow

"you'll see" Alex held Kyle close as he ran his hands along her back

"I've had feelings for you for a long time" Alex said

They started making out, to which Ike jerked off to in the bushes.


	19. Chapter 19

Kenny opened his eyes to see Stan vomit on the tabletop. The Raisins girls were gone and the school students were littered around the house, groaning, fast asleep or puking.

"People still think I am a trashcan, eh!" Ike took a beer can out of his mouth with surprise.

"You cheated on me" Wendy prodded Stan

"We were all drunk! You tried to kiss your best friend!" Stan napped, shoving her aside to vomit once more

"I'll let that slide" Wendy sat on the couch, next to a dazed Kenny.

"Red sent me a text" Kenny said, "Can you read it? The light hurts my eyes"

Wendy plucked the phone off of Red and looked at it.

"Are you sure you don't want to read this?" Wendy offered

"Is it bad?" Kenny groaned as he sat up

"She tells you to go fuck a tree and she's not going out with you anymore" Wendy read aloud

"I- I don't see how screwing a tree is-" Kenny paused, "She's breaking up with m-" he puked

"How unfortunate" Wendy sighed, chucking the phone aside

"Isn't prom in a week?" Bebe appeared from behind the couch, clutching her head in agony

"Oh I forgot about it" Wendy waved a hand tiredly

"Where are the red heads?" Kenny asked, looking around

A raisin's girl fell out of the closet and leapt for Stan, hugging him.

"You were gorgeous last night" she smiled, oblivious to Wendy's white face of

"Uh-" Stan started to speak

"You said you would you take me to prom?" she smiled, "Oh YES!"

Wendy glared, flipped him off, storming off.

"Wendy, WAI-" Stan began inly to see Wendy slowly turn around

"You and I, Stan, Are over!" Wendy went off, outside, to see a leg protruding beneath the bushes. Taking no note of it, she wandered off, to the spa.

Alex slowly lifted her head off Kyle's shoulder, untangling herself from arms that hugged her to his chest. Beer bottles and glasses surrounded the spa and the taste of beer in her mouth made her feel sick. As she rose, she muffled a shriek as she saw someone walk in her and Kyle's direction. She froze as she saw Kyle's board shorts more than ten feet away and her very own bikini nowhere to be found. Spotting a towel, she launched out the spa, splashing Kyle awake in the process and wrapped the tiny thing around herself.

"AHH!" Kyle jumped as water rained on him, "What the hell-"

"Alex?" Wendy blinked as she neared

"Uh, hi" Alex threw the shorts to Kyle as he got out

"Your…" Wendy stared

"Hi, Wendy, you look upset" Kyle walked over, decent

"My boyfriend cheated on me" Wendy's voice wavered, "And by the looks of things, YOU clearly had fun"

"Yeah, I'm sure you had fun before you knew about what Stan did" Kyle said, quickly changing his tone to more sympathetic, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear"

Kyle slowly placed a hand on his hair, feeling millions of knots and tangles that were FAR worse than his usuall messy mop. Looking over to Alex, he stifled a laugh at the manner that her hair unnaturally pointed in directions only chlorine and doing the nasty, as Kenny would say, would achieve.

"I didn't know you could get bed hair from the spa" Kenny appeared from nowhere.

"We should get this place cleaned up" Wendy sniffed, looking around her, eyes tracing back to the leg in the bushes. Kyle's face turned to recognition to horror.

"Ike!" Kyle saw the leg, running for the bushes, "IKE!"

"Oh shit!" Kenny ran after Kyle, Wendy and Alex in tow

Kyle yanked the bushed apart to see what he thought he wouldn't see.

"Karen-" Kenny stifled laughter turning around, hand covering his mouth

"It's not what it looks…. like" a Canadian ten year old spoke

"Is it just me or did everyone pretty much have sex with someone at this party?" Wendy muttered


	20. Chapter 20

The next day, in the school bathrooms, Bebe and Alex were discussing the eco-tourism essay that was due in a week when Bebe realized that Alex was taking awfully long.

Bebe knocked on the bathroom door, unsure why Alex was taking so long.

"Bebe, I'm not feeling right, please go away" Alex gagged for effect

"But I'm busting!" Bebe said, "I can deal with your vomiting!"

"Bebe, N-" Alex gasped as Bebe barged into the door, Quicly, she hid her hand behind her back, smiling as Bebe walked in

"Move aside" Bebe launched for the toiled and sighed with relief as she relieved herself. Alex moved for the open door, to bolt when Bebe gasped in shock. Not wanting to hear anything else, she ran down the hallway, into Mr Mackey. Hiding the thing behind her back, she smiled sweetly.

"Hello, Mr M-" Alex began, "sorry"

"I was looking for you. Apparently two underage children, five years apart f-" Mr Mackey started

"Alcohol did it" Alex quickly said

"Oh. Okay then, Mkay" Mr Mackey loitered off, forgetting the conversation

"Damn that was weird" Alex muttered

Someone plucked something out of her hand, causing Alex to turn around, ready to plead for the thing back, grappling for, who she saw, was Kyle's enclosed hand.

"Kyle!" Alex gasped, watching as Kyle stared with great interest at the narrow white pen. He slowly looked up at Alex and gave a wide smile.


	21. Ending

Alex and Kyle sat at the Broflovski dinner table with Kyle. Sheila had gone to get Ike for dinner.

"You can't keep the..." Kyle shook his head as he whispered "_baby_"

"I don't plan to" Alex mouthed, taking a gulp from a glass of wine she had poured herself

"So, you're on the pill?" Kyle mouthed, watching Alex nod

"If i had a good job, a house and was married to you, i would think twice" Alex whispered, sitting straight when she heard footsteps

Ike jumped into his seat with Alex and Kyle at the table

"I'm telling mom" Ike smiled sweetly

"Don't" Kyle and Alex smiled as sweetly back, sarcastic

Sheila bundled inside the living room and sat down.

"So" Alex smiled, "Thank you for letting me stay for half the year"

"That's… okay" Sheila served Ike from the main serving plate

"I'm not three, mom!" Ike complained

"That's right, of course you're not" Sheila sat back down, "you went to a party that could've gone out of hand! Let alone, too old for you, young man!"

"I wanted to see what life was like for Kyle's year!" Ike complained

"It's not that different from year ten" Alex shrugged, "just more…" Alex nearly said what Kenny would've sung in falsetto from the top the Eiffel Tower. Instead, she just said "beer"

"Lots of beer" Sheila repeated, angry "

"Mom" Ike said, unheard

"Very naughty, Ike. In fact, you _three_ should never have gone to that party" Sheila snapped

"Sorry" Alex said in a tiny voice

"You should be!" Sheila roared

"Mom-" Ike started, unable to make himself heard

"You better not do that again" Sheila scolded, ignoring Ike

"MMMMOOOMMM!" Ike shouted

"Yes, Ike?" Sheila faced her youngest son

"Alex and Kyle-" Ike was cut off by Alex spilling water on her lap

Ike glared at Kyle who glared back. Alex apologized furiously as Sheila fussed over the mess, forgetting what Ike said. After she came back and picked up her cutlery, Ike eyed the duo and turned to her mother.

"Mom, Alex and Kyle-" Ike jumped in fright as Kyle thumped the table with his tightly closed fist.

"Indigestion" Kyle fake coughed, "Sorry, ma"

"What is the matter with you?" Sheila asked Kyle, confused

"Mom" Ike prodded his mother

"Yes, sweetheart?" Sheila looked at Ike

Alex's stomach was just about to drop to the floor and Kyle was just about to boot Ike in the junk under the table when Ike said what Kyle and Alex DIDN'T expect him to say.

"They're going out to prom together!" Ike jeered, hands in the air

"Oh, that's wonderful!" Sheila gushed, clasping her hands together, "Why not Bebe, I would've thought-"

Sheila trailed off, "I- Uhh, that's fantastic!"

"What's a boutonnière?" Ike asked, looking at Kyle

_ONE WEEK LATER_

The clouds ad turned into a white fluffy mass, sprinkling light snow like Parmesan cheese on spaghetti Bolognese. The charred house had been stripped down and turned into a very empty houseless yard. The two houses sat in between the gaping space like crooked teeth next to a missing tooth. A tree nearby started budding a small but fragile lump of a leaf stem. A sign that winter was ending. The end of the year was about to arrive and the start of Prom was about to rage the night.

The school gymnasium was tidied up, floor polished and walls lined with punch, drinks and plenty of tables with nametags. The doors burst open and a flood of guys in smart ironed suits and girls in beautiful, long silken dresses swarmed the room, chatter and laughter filling the room.

Bebe lightly tapped Alex on the shoulder. She was wearing a red slip that did practically nothing to cover her up. Alex wore a long green strapless dress with a hem down the side, showing Alex's shin as she walked.

"Bebe" Alex turned to see her, "How are you?"

"Are you keeping the baby?" Bebe smiled

Alex shook her head, looking at her feet, "I can't"

"Why not?" Bebe asked

"My parents kicked me out the house last year" Alex sighed, "I moved here with what little I have. I won't be able to support myself with a baby"

"But can't Kyle help?" Bebe asked

"He and I want to go to university after this" Alex explained, "We both think it would be sensible for a baby to be brought up in an environment with a solid income and a solid roof"

"Neither of you have that?" Bebe blinked

"We're too young to have children" Alex sighed

"I'm-" Bebe started, only to have Kenny grab her by the waist twirl her around

"Can I have this pretty one to myself, tonight?" Kenny smiled as Kyle arrived

"Sure" Kyle answered, before Alex could answer, causing Bebe to stare at Alex's relieved expression

"Okay, fine, lovers!" Bebe giggled as they wandered off

Stan and the Raisins girl sat at the table as Alex and Kyle arrived.

"Where's Wendy?" Alex asked

"She's gone with Token" Stan shrugged, "I'm sure glad we survived this year!"

"Ay to that!" Kyle jeered, lifting an imaginary champagne glass

"Well, I am assuming this town has it's own dangerous adventures, not to mention climactic hazads such as cyclones-" Alex began

"NO school related conversations and NO geography!" Kyle laughed, "Just us and silly stuff"

"Didn't you learn anything?" Alex teased

"Ginger" Stan looked at his date, "Please do not do that"

Ginger stopped mid chair-gyrate and sat back down, "It's habit. Sorry"

"You see" Kyle grinned, "I learnt something today"

"Haven't we all?" Kenny laughed, sitting with them

"It doesn't matter that groups of people hang out in only gender segregated groups. It matters that we, as a crowd, have managed to morph two of the most popular gender segregated groups in this school, into one, big fucking _awesome_ family!"

Alex leaned over to kiss Kyle as they jeered at Kyle's miniature speech. Stan jumped in his chair.

"Ginger, please stop touching me" Stan snapped, lifting Ginger's clawing hand from his pants and chucking her hand off.

"Fancy Stan saying _THAT_!" Kenny hooted

"But-" Ginger clasped onto Stan hungrily, "I NEED YOU!"

"Can I please get Wendy?" Alex whispered to Kyle who nodded, face straight, trying not to laugh.

"Wendy!" Stan hugged Wendy as she came over, confused, "Oh Wendy, I am so SORRY!"

"Wha- are you okay?" Wendy blinked looking at everyone else

"I was wrong" Stan gulped air, "So wrong, so filthy and stupid"

"Stan, what entirely are you getting at?" Wendy peeled Stan off of her

"I didn't mean to cheat on you" Stan said

"WHAT!?" Ginger stood up, "I Cannot believe you cheated on ME!" Ginger cried, wailing as she fled the gymnasium. No one blinked in her direction and Stan's eyes laid firmly on her.

"Will you please take me back" Stan smiled

"That party was insane. I'm sure you didn't mean to" Wendy smiled as Stan pecked her on the lips.

"Sit!" Kenny waved the duo over, "please"

"Wends" Bebe snatched Wendy by the arm and forced her to sit, "Good girl"

"Where's Red?" Alex asked

"She's right here. She's very quiet. That's what secondary characters do" Kenny shrugged

"Hey, thanks for letting me live with you until January" Alex said to Kyle

"It's ok. We're glad to have you stay with us till you go to live at university. Who does that, anyway?" Kyle laughed

"People who love education that they'd sleep with it" Alex watched as Kenny snorted, smothering his laughter, "and people like me"

"I am amazed Ike never…" Kyle cleared his throat, "told Sheila"

"OOOOHH WHAAAATTTT!" Kenny thumped the table in hysterics, "Juicy!"

"I paid him Kenny's porn" Kyle laughed, watching Kenny's face turn to absulote anger

"Face it, Ken, you have Bebe instead of paper" Kyle winked

"Mmhmm!" Bebe blushed, laying a head on his shoulder

"You should've warned Ike about the sticky pages" Kenny whispered, causing Kyle to roll his eyes, jerk forwards to hide his laughter

"Anyway!" Alex waved her hands, trying to dissipate the R rated conversation, "dance time"

The music went up, and like any other crazy party, everyone danced, laughed and sang to the lyrics, ate finger food and slow danced more.


End file.
